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March 30 Once more into the breach. (What's a breach?)Imagine a handbag. Imagine putting a small duck, a bantam, a piglet and a pound of rice into it.
That’s the joy of our annual trip to the local Chinese for Dad’s birthday. This year, the old git treated us to an afternoon of The Hungarian Revolution on DVD and a right good scran. My stomach is the handbag, by the way. Just in case that slightly tenuous metaphor eluded you, as I’m sure it might have. The Mam has just reminded me of the side of cow, too.
I was off work today for reasons as yet undiscloseable. Promise I’ll tell you all what’s really been going on at some point. There are factions within my readership that may already know. They are the ones with the white knuckles and the gritted teeth. No, I have not decided to become a rollercoaster technician. I have had a crisis. I shall leave it at that.
Anyway, so I was off work, and feeling pretty crap. Dad decides to cheer us up with aforementioned DVD, so me and The Mam retreat to the bedroom to “have a lie down”. I am 25, and yet there I was taking a rest with a retired lady at two in the afternoon with a large greyhound draped over my legs. You may have guessed that I have been staying at home for a bit. This is due to the near-riot that took place beneath my bedroom window at two in the morning the other night. I read about this stuff at work all day. I have no need to witness it happening. So I packed up and came home for a bit. Where I can sleep through a night with only a greyhound assaulting me, and where I can eat without having to scrape tufts of green shit off my butter. (I also stared at a slice of toast the other night for around ten minutes, wondering whether or not to just eat the side with the black bits. I was hungry.) Roll on payday: two weeks of being able to leave the flat and not have to worry about passing out / performing sexual favours on bus drivers when I discover I’m 2p short. Followed, no doubt by two more weeks of passing out / performing sexual favours on bus drivers when I discover that I’m 2p short. (As an aside, I have never actually done this. Luckily most of Gateshead’s drivers are now Polish and cannot therefore tell quick enough that I’m 2p short, before I get upstairs and hide. I’ll probably go to hell for this, but I really not sure I can say “teabagging” in Polish.) I did pass out last week, but after a trip to the doctor’s I was told that it was because of having cramp (men: feel free to shuffle about nervously and unconsciously think about football or something), and having “a perfectly natural and common low pain threshold”. In other words, I am a pussy. She might as well have just come right out and said it. I’m telling you, I spent too long in Leeds. All that time down South turned me into a right lass. What was my point again? Oh God, I listen to Terry Wogan on the radio for a couple of weeks and I start taking naps on orthopaedic beds and forgetting what I’m on about.
A quick skim informs me that there was no point, just more effortless waffle. It’s good to be back. I could once again get used to this.
Take care and don’t have nightmares. I had a belter about my boyfriend. Turns out I never woke up.
Laters. xx March 26 Xine's 10-step Guide to Happiness. (Heh, say that fast and it sounds a bit rude...)1) Stop worrying about relationships: they are designed to put you through the worst hell imaginable so that you can appreciate the good when it finally happens. 2) Stop worrying about work. It pays your bills. You can only do what you can do. Anything more is a waste of your time. 3) Stop worrying about your appearance. Ugly people get married all the time. And someone will find you attractive. (My Aunty Joyce had a thing for Reg off On The Buses. And I myself am partial to a little Will Self…) 4) Cease all negative thoughts that do not prevent you from making hideous mistakes. You will find out what you want to be. You will realise your potential. You will one day be able to afford a flat with all of its windows. 5) Do one thing each day that scares you. Like going to work. 6) Treat yourself once a week. Preferably with something horrific like a kebab or a session of riotous binge drinking. 7) Remember that there are at least two people in the world who care about you, if not love you. That is worth more than one person who hurts you. 8) Revenge is a short-term solution, so make sure it’s effective. (Obviously this isn’t sincere. As if! *ahem*) 9) For women: Not shaving your legs for a couple of weeks reminds us that we are mortal. Not plucking your chin reminds us that we will one day be that hairy old lady that sits at the back of the bus and mutters. For men: Not shaving your beard for a couple of weeks means that Xine wants your number. 10) If all else fails, fuck off to Hong Kong for a couple of years.
So, that’s my guide to a happy life.
But enough! I was weary of this sad and dreary world, but I shall live to fight another day despite the fact that certain others would see me run into the ground and gasp for life’s sweet oxygen. Or something. But something cheered me up. And that was getting your NLPH anniversary messages. Both of them. One off me Mam. I love you guys! Here’s The Mam’s ode to we who are NLPH:
Happy Birthday to space Happy Birthday to Space Happy Birthday dear Space Happy Birthday to Space you aren’t like paris hilton that you’ll never be but where she has the money you have repartee (bit of the cash would be quite nice though)!!!!! Sorry it’s a bit late
And the lovely Cap’n B sent us this rather spiffing picture. (Ooh, I’ve come over all Tony Hart. At least it’s better than coming all over Tony Hart….)
The picture is below, cos it’s masseev.
Ah, I am cheered. See this face? It’s cheered. Marginally.
Laters. xx March 23 An AppealAn Appeal
I need someone to tell me that everything is going to be ok. And mean it. This e-mail (and any attachment) is intended only for the attention of the addressee(s). Its unauthorised use, disclosure, storage or copying is not permitted. If you are not the intended recipient, please destroy all copies and inform the sender by return e-mail. Internet e-mail is not a secure medium. Any reply to this message could be intercepted and read by someone else. Please bear that in mind when deciding whether to send material in response to this message by e-mail. This e-mail (whether you are the sender or the recipient) may be monitored, recorded and retained by the Department For Constitutional Affairs. E-mail monitoring / blocking software may be used, and e-mail content may be read at any time. You have a responsibility to ensure laws are not broken when composing or forwarding e-mails and their contents. The original of this email was scanned for viruses by the Government Secure Intranet (GSi) virus scanning service supplied exclusively by Cable & Wireless in partnership with MessageLabs. On leaving the GSi this email was certified virus-free March 14 god everything sucks. i'm gonna go listen to some emo...Sorry for the gap: life has been cack in so many various ways in the last week. But hey, we’re not here to talk about me, are we?
Oh.
Well, aside from that, I have been robbed, sexually assaulted and insulted this week. All in one night. Hurrah! Me and the Suze went out on a big one last Friday, but our hilarity and general good cheer was tested to the limit by the following:
What a great night. Love it. Pity I’ve got no more cash till payday. Ouch.
Sorry for the brevity. I need to sit still and watch Living TV until I feel slightly better about life. See you next November.
Laters. Xx
PS: Here’s something good and happy: For the purposes of NLPH anniversary celebrations, here’s my specially created NLPH email address:
Don’t take the piss. Or do! It’s not my everyday email!
x March 06 grrI have spent the last hour: Outside, smoking Stuck in the lift for 20 minutes Crawling out of said lift through a space the height of my knees Jumping down from the space the height of my knees around six feet from the ground Getting back into the office to be sent back downstairs to find 10 sex files, complete with pictures which fall out whilst you are up a five foot ladder which wobbles. Trying not to look at pictures whilst replacing them in files Drinking 0.5l of water Hooray for the working day. Considering I did nowt this morning, I suppose it's only fair. This e-mail (and any attachment) is intended only for the attention of the addressee(s). Its unauthorised use, disclosure, storage or copying is not permitted. If you are not the intended recipient, please destroy all copies and inform the sender by return e-mail. Internet e-mail is not a secure medium. Any reply to this message could be intercepted and read by someone else. Please bear that in mind when deciding whether to send material in response to this message by e-mail. This e-mail (whether you are the sender or the recipient) may be monitored, recorded and retained by the Department For Constitutional Affairs. E-mail monitoring / blocking software may be used, and e-mail content may be read at any time. You have a responsibility to ensure laws are not broken when composing or forwarding e-mails and their contents. The original of this email was scanned for viruses by the Government Secure Intranet (GSi) virus scanning service supplied exclusively by Cable & Wireless in partnership with MessageLabs. On leaving the GSi this email was certified virus-free March 03 No chuffing way.No chuffing way.
So then, farewell to the staff smoking room, scene of some of my finest moments at work. Hello to good new-fashioned diversity policy and healthy livin'. Well, at least as healthy as you can be, standing outside chugging away in the bowels of winter. Hoorah for standing next to the judges' entrance and blowing smoke at them as they pass; boo for the way in which a manager can declare that he fancies a new office and turf all of the interesting people in the building out on their ear. Boo indeed, for the ways in which we, the life and earth of the DCA have been forced into a climate of calorie-counting and "gossip" (insipid tid-bits compared to the full-scale union-driven slander we once knew) in the "tea-room". How we shall mourn its loss. How we shall never forget. How we shall chew Nicorette like bad-boys when it rains. Smoking Room. R.I.P. This e-mail (and any attachment) is intended only for the attention of the addressee(s). Its unauthorised use, disclosure, storage or copying is not permitted. If you are not the intended recipient, please destroy all copies and inform the sender by return e-mail. Internet e-mail is not a secure medium. Any reply to this message could be intercepted and read by someone else. Please bear that in mind when deciding whether to send material in response to this message by e-mail. This e-mail (whether you are the sender or the recipient) may be monitored, recorded and retained by the Department For Constitutional Affairs. E-mail monitoring / blocking software may be used, and e-mail content may be read at any time. You have a responsibility to ensure laws are not broken when composing or forwarding e-mails and their contents. The original of this email was scanned for viruses by the Government Secure Intranet (GSi) virus scanning service supplied exclusively by Cable & Wireless in partnership with MessageLabs. On leaving the GSi this email was certified virus-free |
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